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toys
Bend it Like Obama
Just in time for the Festival of Lights Holiday Season: the ever-popular Obama Bowing Bird! Don't know what to give the emperors on your gift list? Well, take a tip from Obama. He gave Emperor Akihito one of his patented floor-kissers and watched His Imperial Majesty light up like the Gaza District. The Obama Bowing Bird — It's not just for Saudi kings any more!
[Note: The Wonderful Obama Bowing Bird is for sale only to oligarchs, monarchs, autarchs, tyrants, despots, the White House Gift Shop, and mad dictators.]
Obamorexia
What's all this nonsense about Barack Obama being too thin? It's just that he's an ectomorph, that's all. Or is the term "ectoplasm"?
UPDATE: Now Obama is claiming not to have lost any weight. In fact he claims to have created or saved over 650,000 lbs!
Addendum: Sorry to disappoint the hundreds who've called and emailed asking how to obtain their own "Barack Skellington" figurine, but the toy is only at the design stage at this moment, nor is it expected to be in production in time for the 2009 Christmas season. The prototype model pictured above is not for sale.
We're Number One! (Well, maybe 3/4...)
Unregulated doctors, allowed to do whatever they please, charge an unconscionable $6,000 to remove an appendage! But under Obamacare, MoveOn.Org will do it ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Death Panelled Basement
Thanks to Obamacare, my little sideline business of Death Panelling is really taking off. Who knew there'd be such a demand! Evidently lots of people want to have "private cellars" like the ones installed under the White House.
Our late night infomercial's catchy themesong didn't hurt either:
"♪ It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again! ♬ "
Note: The Obama Bowing Bird and the Obama autobiography, The Audacity of Chutzpah, are not included.
Grene Swynk
There were plenty of "green jobs" in the 11th century.
And there will plenty more like this if Green Tsar Van the Terrible gets to carry out the threats he made in his bestselling manifesto, The Coming Green Collar Feudalism.
Keep Your Sunny Side Up!
Well, no one likes to be unemployed. Still less to stand in a soup line. And even less than that, to fill growling bellies with acorn squash soup and acorn coffee.
But have these men lost heart or "thrown in the towel?" Not at all! Though doomed, they keep their spirits up and faces bright by sporting morale-boosting Obama Smiley Buttons.
Get yours today!
(See the Obama Smiley Button nice and big HERE.)
Presidential Seal of Approval
The thought of human suffering can coax that rare smile from the President of the woeful countenance. Then there's the sight of thousands of New Yorkers trampling over each other in a mad scramble to evade an Air Force One sneak attack! Now that's something to make the corners of the mouth of the most saturnine Commander-in-Chief turn up slightly.
But apart from those coupla things, there just isn't all that much to warm the eerie chill emanating from his not-quite-human heart.
That's why we were so very gratified to see what a big hit the new Obama Smiley Button has made with President Grumpy!
He grins, he points, he giggles like a hayseed on locoweed whenever the Obama Smiley Button hoves into view -- especially when pinned to the pathetic rags of the destitute who press in their thousands against the iron fence surrounding the White House, their scrawny arms outstretched in unanswered supplication.
(See the Obama Smiley Button nice and big HERE.)
Have a Correct Day
Who says Barack is a cold fish?
Why he loves a hearty laugh -- especially at jokes about the deaths of his political adversaries! And this glee-referential, 70s-style Smiley Obama Button proves it fairly conclusively.
Put an overwrought Presidential grin on your lapel somewhere amongst all those variously colored ribbon pins and show the world that you, for one, are sort of convinced that Obama is not really some earnest, humorless, dead-eyed, dull, droning, pompous bag of wind. Or not only that.
(See the original photo of the Happy Obama HERE)
